in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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