I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
