I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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