I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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