We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
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Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
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He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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