Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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