just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
