he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
