This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
