none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
There's even glitter on my cock...
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