Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think I sprained my soul last night
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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