spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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