it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
