just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
