it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
