Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
