Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
