I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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