I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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