I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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