I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
