the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
