he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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