life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
it's like iHOP with fire
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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