Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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