I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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