I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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