Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
