you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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