You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
