so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
