i just sent this text using only my big toe
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
