Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
