just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
