Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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