I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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