I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
