Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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