im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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