i was born a porn star she said
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
