I look better un-naked...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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