Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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