I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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