three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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