if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
