my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
