I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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