just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
