a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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