How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
