If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
