it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
