I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
