I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool