He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination