Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
