I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The Olympian is in my bed
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
